My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
