Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
