From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
