sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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