I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
