I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
