you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
