i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
