When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
