just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
