This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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