I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
