Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
