I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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