i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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