I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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