just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
