Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
