My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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