i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
