She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
