I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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