i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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