Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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