Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
