I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
