Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
