Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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