I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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