I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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