I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
