i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Found your dick twin last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
