i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
