My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
