Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
