.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
