My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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