I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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