We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
