The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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