How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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