I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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