Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
