I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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