guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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