could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
