I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
