So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we're making bets on your personal life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
