how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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