and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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