I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
