Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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